And I’ll be having a birthday.
Crap.
I don’t really want to turn 19.
I never really wanted to turn 18.
Or ten.
Or any age older than nine.
Crap.
Crap.
Crap!
Umm, yeah.
I’ll be 19 on June 17th.
And I’m dreading it.
I dread almost every birthday.
Bleh.
Getting older sucks.
More responsibilities.
More things you can do wrong.
More decisions you have to make.
It’s all really crappy to me.
I want to stop aging.
Well, I wanted this a long time ago.
But it never came true.
I want to stop the aging now!
Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, it is.
Crap.

Well, here’s to another year older to be.

Crap.

‘never give up’
Mulysa

Nine long, hard years. And every year it seems to get harder rather than easier.

Especially every year in May.

I’ve always heard, always have been told, “In time, it will get better. It will be easier to live without them.”

That’s been a lie to me. It’s been NINE years. That’s almost a decade. That’s a long time. This should be easier. I shouldn’t cry every time someone mentions his name. Every time something reminds me of him.

But I do. Still. After nine years of him not being around.

I don’t know why it’s still so hard for me. Maybe it’s the fact that he held our family together. Or that 17 days later I would be turning 10 and he wouldn’t be there. Or that I’m constantly told I’m a lot like him. Maybe it’s all of those reasons. And maybe it’s even more than that.

But no matter the reason, it hasn’t felt any better. And all the things that have been said this past month have been really hard to handle.

I wish I could rewind nine years of my life and somehow have him saved. I just wish he were still here. That would make a lot of things better. And, in general, he’d still be here with us.

Forever on my mind. Always in my heart.

I will always love you, Uncle Bill. You weren’t always the best, but I still looked up to. I still do. I wish you were still with us.

-Melissa

-Mulysa

-Mulysa

Today has probably been the most tiresome and sweat worthy day of my life.

And I’m not even over exaggerating.

The nice part is, I don’t have any body odor. (and here’s a secret, I am yet to bath or put deodorant on) I know, disgusting. At least you’re not me! Haha

But, honestly, it’s about 80 degrees out and very humid. And having that weather plus constant working outside is not that awesome. It’s plain old gross.

We left the campground today. So, we had to pack up the camper and all the other items. And, we came home to a mess.

Here’s a little back story: to make sure our new cat, Simba, doesn’t pee on our rugs, we have to constantly clean out the litter box. And, being away camping that didn’t get done. It should have because someone was home every day! But, they didn’t “know they had to do it”.

We walk into that house to a horrid smell of cat piss. It was terrible. The rugs were soaked and nasty. Luckily, my dad is a magician when it comes to cleaning things. So, everything is all cleaned up now. But, it was something that shouldn’t have had to been taken care of. Because it’s a no brainer to clean out the litter box.

Sorry, rant over.

Umm, yeah. Other than that, I put three “loads” of clothes on the line today. Moved all the cars in our driveway a billion times. Carried tons of stuff everywhere. You know, typical every day things, right? Ha.

I didn’t get to shower until four o’clock. And even though today is nearly over, tomorrow will be almost as bad. I have to re wash the floors just to help get the stains and smell out the little bit more. And clean our “old” living room. And the whole week will be filled with that kind I cleaning.

But! After I clean that room out, I get to start painting the walls! I am so beyond stoked for this!!!! Ahhh!

Okay. All done. Gonna rest my feet an watch some telly before I tryout my new makeup and go to bed.

‘never give up’
Mulysa

(oh, and you can’t tell by this post, but I am extremely mad at the current. Just saying. Staying positive.) =]

And all that parade goodness.

I find it funny that nearly every time I see a group of my friends, the freaking ginger is the first one I hug. Not because I so much want to (not that i don’t want to, either). But he’s always the first person I see. I love that little ginger.

So, I guess I should have lead into that better.

I went to our town’s parade today. Normally I’m in it. Have been since I was a child. Not this year. Meh. But, I watched it and saw all my band friends. And chilled with them at the Green. And got tons of hugs.

I hugged my favorite trumpeter (trunpetest, trumpetier?), miss Mo. And it was a forever hug. That’s when a bugger voice was heard (haha). “When do I get my hug?”. The obvious answer is never because this was a Mo and me hug. So, he needed to calm down. Nah, he got a hug. And so did anyone else that wanted one.

Then, it was all over and I walked to the town hall so I could meet up with the band again. That’s when I saw Pholosopher. Haven’t seen him in way too long! We chatted. Hugged a plenty. And made semi plans to hang out.

Walked over to CVS with Mo and Schlockles. Ah, that trumpet section. How great they are. Saw Ayotte in the parking lot. And said goodbye to all my bandies.

Oh, and chatted up a storm with the Boogie Man!!!! That was pretty great, too.

In all, it was a pretty fun day. As much as I always complained about marching in the parades, watching it is not the same. I miss it.

Now to wait for a clearer plan update for the coming weekend. Bah, I know some weird people. Haha

Have a good day!

‘never give up’
Mulysa.

-Mulysa

How much I hate alcohol?

Well, not so much hate alcohol, but what it does to people.

You don’t drive around under the influence. That’s fucking stupid! And to have no idea what someone said to you five minutes ago… Really? Just grow the fuck up!

We deal with this enough at home. I don’t think we need another person to being acting like this while we’re camping. Get the fuck out!

My dad is a pretty awesome guy considering all the shit he went through in his life. He doesn’t need to deal with any of this person’s crap. It’s obnoxious and ridiculous. You don’t get so shitfaced that you’re almost completely not understandable and can’t figure anything out. And you make up stories that make no sense and don’t fit anything.

Like, come on. Why would you do this to anyone? Why would you do this to yourself?

All the people around me that want to drink, all the people that do, makes me realize more and more why I don’t want to drink. Why I don’t want to get drunk. It’s stupid. It makes you stupid. And being sober is all the fun on its own.

And I guess that’s all. Whoops with the swearing. Umm yeah… Haha

‘never give up’
Mulysa

Mulysa

It’s Friday. And at this very moment I am sitting in Chad, my little red truck, at West Beach (at Hammo) because I didn’t want to be at the camper alone, considering they took the key.

It’s been a very nice week. And a very cute week.

We’ve been here since last Friday. And will be going home Tuesday.

The weekend that just passed was my grandpa’s birthday. So we spent Sunday with him. As a gift, my dad let him and my step grandma use our ‘new’ popup. They camped with us Tuesday and just left today. It was fun. And cute. It’s a time slot in my life I’ll keep forever. Because I know there aren’t that many more years left on his old bones. And that’s terrible to say. But he even knows it.

So the week went on. And today has been pretty crazy.

We had to take Simba to the vet for his check up. He’s gonna be fine. I just have to ‘brush’ his teeth, put drops in his ears, and find a way to feed him less food while maintaining the other cat’s weight.

And then I went to Sarah’s house to help her get ready for prom. That mainly consisted of me watching Gabby do her makeup, both of us doing her nails, dressing her, and putting her jewelry and shoes on.

Can I just say she looked amazing? Well, I think I can because it’s true. She looks beautiful for tonight!!
And that was really fun.

I guess I should head back to the camper. The pizza should be there now. =]

‘never give up’
Mulysa

P.S. umm, so I pretty much suck. I’ve had a busier week (and weekend) than I was planning for. I’m hoping that I post my short story before my birthday. And that’s coming up pretty soon… So, I won’t make a set deadline. But it should be soon!!!!! Fingers crossed! =]

-Mulysa

Like a crazy person. And I never bite my nails.

It’s gotten so bad that they will bleed. And my fingertips hurt like crazy.

I’ve got a feeling that I’m biting my nails because I’m stressed out and nervous. And that pretty much pisses me off.

Blah! Stupid life.

‘never give up’
Mulysa

Words you never want to hear. Words that he should never have to say. Words he should never truly feel.

But he does. And it’s heartbreaking.

You never expect someone to break so far down the road. After so many years of love. So many years of being strong. But, they can. And he has.

I just want to put all the pieces back together. I want to make the world a happier place for him. I want him to be happy over anyone else. Because his happiness is my happiness.

I want to fix all the problems. Change everything that has gone wrong. And make it all seem right again.

But I can’t. And I probably never will. And he will crumble until he’s nothing more. And that will kill me. He will destroy himself. That will destroy my world and I will come crashing down.

And who knows how long I will last. Because too much wrong has already happened. That nothing will ever seem right again. And destroyed I will be. Because he will be like nothing more than an empty body. A statue of sorts. Turning me to stone. And forever I will be lost. No one to guide me. Help me.

So, please, I beg, please turn all of this around. Somehow! I don’t know what will help. Praying? I don’t know, I’m not “religious”. Hoping? I’m not sure. Dreaming? That’s just imagination. Or wishing? That never seems real…

I’m not sure if anything will be alright for me. I’m not sure how much longer I can (pretend to) be strong.

‘never give up’ maybe…
Mulysa

And I’m not sure if it’s because today has been too long. Or if my life is just building up on my shoulders and weighing me down more and more each day.

Either way, it rather sucks. And probably will be like this for quite some time. Bleh!

Oh, and if I couldn’t hate driving anymore, today put me over the top. It’s just an annoyance. And other cars are crazy. And, I don’t drive terribly, or awesomely, but I’m pretty decent. And blah! I just no likey!

Blah blah blah blah blah! That is all.

‘never give up’
Mulysa

-Mulysa