Who Am I Not?
Weekly Wednesdays! (31)

I am going to cut chocolate out of my life.
“But it’s so delicious!”
Oh, I know.

But every time I have chocolate my face breaks out and I feel so gross.

I’ll eat it far less.
I will try!

With that said, you can probably tell how my week has gone.
I am so far, but so close, to one of my goals.
I just can’t seem to reach it.
I want to lose about ten pounds.
Originally this goal was to be met by the first of may.
But, we’re just going to take this day by day.

I want to lose ten pounds. I just won’t put a deadline on it.
I feel like deadlines make it so hard to actually reach.

I guess that’s pretty much it.
Here’s to getting there someday.

'never give up'

A schedule is a good thing.
A schedule can be broken.
Sometimes it has to be.


"You only think that because you’ve never been in a relationship."

Oh, thank you.
Thank you so much for pointing out that I’ve never been in a relationship.
Thank you for telling me and everyone else information we already know.

Thank you for rubbing it in.

How many times have you been in a relationship?
Currently, that makes one.

And what I was discussing wasn’t even meant to be taken as though I was annoyed with the cute things a specific couple did.

I was just stating that they were the kind of couple that do all of that couple type things.
And by saying they are “that annoyingly cute couple” is actually a compliment coming from me.

Honestly, I want to be that annoying couple. Being cute and slightly over the top with PDA.
Who doesn’t want something along those lines?
(Some people don’t want that at all, actually.)

I’m not jealous. I’m not bitter.
I just don’t get it.

How many times do people have to poke at and make fun of the fact that I have never been in a relationship?
That I have never kissed another?
Or had any sort of experience with love?

How much longer do I have to deal with other people judging me for not being loved?

That’s not my fault.
Because I love so much and so openly.
But no one will take my love.
And I have no control in how others feel about me.

I don’t know.
This comment has been kind of bugging me for a while. And it’s not the first time someone has said something like this to me.
But I am fed up with it and need to get it off my chest.

So, there it is.
Be mad at it. Or whatever.
I don’t really care.
It’s my feelings and that’s all.

'never give up'

Vent On Me

I’ll bite down on my tongue
As you spit your words at me.
Like the venom of a snake,
Your speech, it stings me.

I’m not a piece of paper
For you to vent on.
I’m not a hotline
To get out your anger.

But I’ll be quiet.
I will listen.
Maybe when you’re finally finished
It’ll be my turn.


I’m Not A Star

I am a star in the sky.
So bright.
I shine.

I am a star in the sky.
Crowded by other stars.
Surrounded by more beauty.

I am a star in the sky.
Hoping for someone to pick me out.
But there are far too many others to love.


I Will Be Theirs

One day someone will love me.
And they will be tall.
They will be strong.
They will be mine.

One day someone will love me.
And they will be short.
They will be weak.
They will be mine.

One day someone will love me.
And they will be fat.
They will be skinny.
They will be mine.

Someday I will fall in love.
And someone will love me.
They will be everything I want
Or nothing I need.
But they will be mine.

Even if only briefly.


That Should Be Me

I am so happy for you.
So happy for your love.
And for your happiness.
And for how much you seem to care for one another.

But I can’t seem to stop getting mad,
Getting angry,
Getting hurt
Every time I see you together.

And I still have no reason to be.


You are not my setback. My feelings for you are.


Maybe you should kiss me before you go.
Or hold on a little longer.
A little tighter.
Maybe you should know.
The night won’t last.
And goodbye has passed.

Maybe I’m a fool.
A stupid girl to fall for you.
But you were stupid too.
Maybe you were right.
And there’s something good about tonight.
But it’s meant to end.

So I’ll say goodbye.
I’ll say farewell.
I’ll say I love you.
And you’ll say you know.


I’m just not feeling it.
And that’s really unfortunate.


What Have I Done

You were having sex in my bed.
Just like you have many times before.

But there was a difference.
In your breaths.
In you movements.
In the name you kept calling out.

You were having sex.
In my bed.
But you were fucking someone else.


You set like the moon.


Cut Out

Let’s turn up the brightness.
Add some saturation.
Fade out the background.
Blur the front ground.
Flip this life upside down.

It’s like I’m not apart of your
Picture anymore.


One Night

Your lips were so soft.
They tasted like gummy worms
And vodka.

Your hands were so gentle.
They moved through my hair
And up my shirt.

I don’t remember the color of your eyes.
You always had them closed.
I always had mine shut.

You spoke so light,
So quick,
So sweet.

I could pick you out from a crowd
From your taste,
Your smell.
And the way you felt.

But I can’t remember you name.
With forgetful thoughts,
I’ll still remember you were there.


Weekly Wednesdays! (30)

Let’s not talk about the fails.
Let’s talk about the progress.

I am stronger than I used to be.
I can carry large and heavy things. I have actual arm muscles. And there is a huge difference in my arms.

I can walk or stand forever.
My legs can hold my body without struggle.
I can go the distance with ease.
My legs are stronger and have possibly more muscle than they had when I played field hockey (soccer, soft ball, rode horses).

I can breathe.
I am not short of breath as quickly.
I can run longer because of this.
Walking and talking isn’t a struggle. I can keep up. And I love it!

My skin is clearer.
And I am more confident for that.
I feel clean and happy and so, so good.

I feel like I keep forgetting why I started this journey. I used to do it for myself. And then I got off my path. Trying to make myself look better for everyone who seems me.

That’s not what this is about. This is for me!
This is to be healthier. This is to be comfortable. This is to better myself.

It’s amazing to see my progress.
I look slightly different. Clothes no longer fit me. Certain foods and drinks no longer appeal to me.
There is a change in me that can not be seen. And that’s something I have to remember.

I need to remember that this is for me. I’m not trying to impress anyone but myself.
I’m not seeing an outer change, and that was/is frustrating. But it shouldn’t be.
It’s only been frustrating because I am/was afraid that people would think I gave up. Or fell off my track.
Because I was doing this for others.
I wanted to prove to everyone else.
And I stopped proving it to myself.

So, here’s to pushing forward, being proud of my progress, and doing this for me!

'never give up'