Who Am I Not?
That Should Be Me

I am so happy for you.
So happy for your love.
And for your happiness.
And for how much you seem to care for one another.

But I can’t seem to stop getting mad,
Getting angry,
Getting hurt
Every time I see you together.

And I still have no reason to be.

-Mulysa

You are not my setback. My feelings for you are.

-Mulysa

Maybe you should kiss me before you go.
Or hold on a little longer.
A little tighter.
Maybe you should know.
The night won’t last.
And goodbye has passed.

Maybe I’m a fool.
A stupid girl to fall for you.
But you were stupid too.
Maybe you were right.
And there’s something good about tonight.
But it’s meant to end.

So I’ll say goodbye.
I’ll say farewell.
I’ll say I love you.
And you’ll say you know.

-Mulysa

I’m just not feeling it.
And that’s really unfortunate.

Mulysa

What Have I Done

You were having sex in my bed.
Just like you have many times before.

But there was a difference.
In your breaths.
In you movements.
In the name you kept calling out.

You were having sex.
In my bed.
But you were fucking someone else.

-Mulysa

You set like the moon.

-Mulysa

Cut Out

Let’s turn up the brightness.
Add some saturation.
Fade out the background.
Blur the front ground.
Flip this life upside down.

It’s like I’m not apart of your
Picture anymore.

-Mulysa

One Night

Your lips were so soft.
They tasted like gummy worms
And vodka.

Your hands were so gentle.
They moved through my hair
And up my shirt.

I don’t remember the color of your eyes.
You always had them closed.
I always had mine shut.

You spoke so light,
So quick,
So sweet.

I could pick you out from a crowd
From your taste,
Your smell.
And the way you felt.

But I can’t remember you name.
With forgetful thoughts,
I’ll still remember you were there.

-Mulysa

Weekly Wednesdays! (30)

Let’s not talk about the fails.
Let’s talk about the progress.

I am stronger than I used to be.
I can carry large and heavy things. I have actual arm muscles. And there is a huge difference in my arms.

I can walk or stand forever.
My legs can hold my body without struggle.
I can go the distance with ease.
My legs are stronger and have possibly more muscle than they had when I played field hockey (soccer, soft ball, rode horses).

I can breathe.
I am not short of breath as quickly.
I can run longer because of this.
Walking and talking isn’t a struggle. I can keep up. And I love it!

My skin is clearer.
And I am more confident for that.
I feel clean and happy and so, so good.

I feel like I keep forgetting why I started this journey. I used to do it for myself. And then I got off my path. Trying to make myself look better for everyone who seems me.

That’s not what this is about. This is for me!
This is to be healthier. This is to be comfortable. This is to better myself.

It’s amazing to see my progress.
I look slightly different. Clothes no longer fit me. Certain foods and drinks no longer appeal to me.
There is a change in me that can not be seen. And that’s something I have to remember.

I need to remember that this is for me. I’m not trying to impress anyone but myself.
I’m not seeing an outer change, and that was/is frustrating. But it shouldn’t be.
It’s only been frustrating because I am/was afraid that people would think I gave up. Or fell off my track.
Because I was doing this for others.
I wanted to prove to everyone else.
And I stopped proving it to myself.

So, here’s to pushing forward, being proud of my progress, and doing this for me!

'never give up'
Mulysa

Be My Memory

I shuffle through my memories.
Seeing all the laughs.
All the hugs.
Reminded of every moment that you loved me.

So where did it go wrong?
What did I do?
What did I not do?
Where are you?

-Mulysa

Love may have been left here. But it does not live here.

Love has gone away.

-Mulysa

I’m willing. Not pushed.

-Mulysa

I Talk About Chase and Cat Sitting.

Have you ever texted someone something and then thought of something better to text them after the text was sent?

I’ve been cat sitting at a family friend’s house (the people who took Simba in, actually). And they come home tomorrow night. I thought I would be able to leave before they got here.
But, apparently she thought differently. And I feel like I should have asked if it was okay.
I didn’t think to say it until I sent the text.

Things are okay. We have it planned out.

It’s just, I would stay, but I made plans to help my aunt with yard work tomorrow. And it’s not worth driving thirty minutes home to work for a bit, then come back here just to give them the key.
I honestly thought they had another key.
I don’t know. It’s just a tricky situation.
Plus, I don’t like driving at night so much. And I just want to get home to my Puppers!

I have learned a lot being here.
Chase honestly saved my life. I feel so bored and so left alone without my dog.
Cats are nice. I really like cats. But they don’t have that care and love that dogs give.

I have a cat. And I love her. So freaking much. But she only wants to be around when I go to bed.
Whereas Chase wants to be around all the time.

He wants to be pet and loved and held and cared for.
Cats kind of just do that on their own.
Feed them, give them water, and cleanup their shit, you’re good to go.

The only thing that kept me somewhat sane was knowing I get to go home to my dog.

If you’re ever feeling lonely, get a dog. Or borrow a dog (ask someone you know who has a dog if you can take care of them or take them on a walk sometimes).
Even just seeing a dog can make you feel a little bit better.
I saw two little dogs walk by today, and I was so thrilled.
I then saw a Great Dane, and I was ecstatic!
(Have I ever said how badly I want a Great Dane? It’s a lot! But I got a little fluff ball instead. And I couldn’t be happier.)

Watch a video of a dog being kindly played with.
That can help, too. I’ve been doing that.
And man, does it bring joy to me.

I just find it hard to feel love when you’re all alone. Even though I love cats. They just don’t love back quite right.

And I can’t wait to go home tomorrow to see my little guy!

My dad has told me that every time he gets up, Chase will get up and walk to his bed and hop in. Which is silly. He just does it all on his own. My dad doesn’t tell him to go or yell or anything like that.
He just is so sad and thinks that when someone gets up, it’s time to go to bed because they must be leaving.
He doesn’t do that with me because I’m normally not leaving.

It’s funny to hear how he acts when I’m not around. It’s like he’s a different dog. A sad, tortured soul. He’s not being tortured.

And I think that that’s love. He is a completely different dog when I’m not around because I’m not around. Because his love and caretaker is missing.
And I feel the same.

I don’t know. I just felt like sharing.

I hope you have something or someone that loves you so much and that you love too much in return.

'never give up'
Mulsa

And maybe none of this is real. If that’s wrong, then I only exist for you. But you exist for everyone except me.

-Mulysa

Take Me

Accuse me.
Misuse me.
Erase me.
Misplace me.

I am the scribbled out word halfway down the page.
No whiteout. No backspace. No eraser.

Torn pages of a book.
Wrongly sighted Internet source.
Missing comma, space, colon.

I am a question.
Mark me on your hand.
I am an exclamation.
Mark me on your head.

Unsharpened.
Stolen.
Out of ink.
No power.

Take me to your grave.

-Mulysa